Love vs. Lust: What’s the Difference?

The post is developed in partnership with BetterHelp.

You think about them all day and can’t keep your hands off each other when you’re together. And even when you’re with friends or out in public, you can’t help but sneak a little kiss or a touch. But is it love, or is it just lust? Is this a relationship that could survive past the initial infatuation, or is it mainly about the sex?

The short answer is that it depends. All relationships are different, and whereas some people prefer to establish a meaningful connection through sex and desire, others like to get to know each other and create an emotional bond before getting physical. So how do you tell love and lust apart? Read on to find out. 

Love and lust: different but natural

While the terms are often used interchangeably, love and lust are not the same thing. Here are a few key differences between each. 

Love

Psychologically speaking, love is a set of emotions and behaviors marked by intense feelings of passion, closeness, affection, and intimacy. Scholars have identified a few key differences between liking or being attracted to someone, versus loving them. They have found that romantic love is made up of three main elements:

• Attachment
• Caring
• Intimacy

There are also many types of love, including the love you have for your parents, kids, and siblings, platonic love, unconditional love, passionate love, romantic love, self-love, and more. Most types of love involve a strong level of emotional intimacy, whether there’s sex present in the relationship or not. Click here to read more about the psychology of love here. 

Lust

Many things have been said about lust. According to Indian guru Osho, “Love is the lotus, lust is the mud the lotus arises out of.” British novelist Sarah Waters said that lust is “a curious, wanting thing.” And in some religions, like Catholicism and Judaism, lust is considered an outright sin. 

The truth is, though, that lust is a completely normal biological reaction that occurs when we have a strong sexual desire for another person. It is part of your natural human instincts, as are other behaviors like fear, anger, loneliness, procreation, social cooperation, etc. You can experience lust both upon meeting someone new (or watching them on TV, social media, etc.), but you can also lust after someone you love, like your spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend. 

And what about infatuation?

Infatuation is a strong feeling of attraction and affection towards another person, typically someone you just met or don’t know well. It tends to be short-lived and pretty intense – you can think of it as the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship. Signs of infatuation can include:

• Feeling like you can’t be without the other person
• All-consuming, borderline obsessive emotions towards the object of your affection
• Putting the other person on a pedestal, thinking they can do no wrong
• Extreme insecurity about the other person leaving you
• Not acting like yourself
• Skipping important activities (work, school, social events) to be with the other person

Differences between love and lust

So now that you know what love and lust are, how do you tell them apart? Here are some key differences between the two.

If you feel…

• Like you can share your deepest thoughts and wishes with the other person
• Comfortable being vulnerable with them
• Excited about meeting their friends and family
• Willingness to make sacrifices for one another
• A strong interest to get to know them as a person
• Secure about their affection
• A deep connection

… then you might be experiencing love.

On the other hand, if you feel…

• A strong sexual desire for the other person but no interest in knowing them as a person
• Like you only connect when you’re being intimate
• Like you don’t want to introduce them to your friends and family
• No desire to make plans for the future together
• That you only like the person for their looks and body
• Like you want to leave soon after having sex or being intimate

… then you may be experiencing lust. 

To wrap things up

Love and lust are completely natural emotions that all of us experience at one point or another. You can feel love and appreciation for someone without being sexually attracted to them, and you can also lust after someone that you just met or don’t even know. 

There’s nothing wrong with experiencing either of these emotions, although whether you act upon them or not depends on the context and if your feelings for the other person are reciprocated. In any case, it’s useful to know the differences between love and lust to when you’re trying to decide how you feel about a potential partner.